Being insecure

Since being bullied badly during my teens I have been an insecure wreck when it comes to my personal appearance. Scrolling through my instagram timeline, the countless selfies and watching my youtube videos may paint a different picture - confident, happy and carefree (you may think!) but really all that is far from the truth of how I am or feel on a daily basis. I guess social media has this power of enabling you to be anyone you want. For me it's taking selfies when my hair's on point, having a good make-up day, my outfits earning me style points or I'm dining in a fancy restaurant indulging in a swanky cocktail. Reality is though, my hair doesn't always look great in fact most days it looks like I've been dragged through a bush backwards, my make-up isn't always a full face of glam, I'm not always dressed super stylish and that fancy cocktail might look lavish but it actually tastes like sh*t. See what I mean by using social media to convey you and your life in what ever way you want?

So this leads me on to talking about my real self, a real issue and what the girl behind all the make-up, the fashionable clothes and the lavish outings really entails; insecurity. Being insecure isn't something I chose to have, I say this because most people treat insecurity as people just being daft and craving compliments. People think it is something in your head, something you can just snap out of, look in the mirror and see what everyone else see's (in which they think is beautiful) or they think that by telling you a bunch of positive things you will instantly feel better. I know that people only mean well when they're trying to be nice and tell you loads of lovely things about yourself but none of those words matter. You don't feel it yourself and you feel like they are only saying those nice things to make you feel better, not because they mean it. It all just seems so irrelevant and meaningless.  

Day to day the extent of my insecurity will vary. Today unfortunately was a bad day. A bad day entails looking in the mirror and hating yourself, wanting to change every feature about yourself, crying hysterically, taking three hours to leave the house because you look and feel that disgusting and feeling like you just don't want to be here anymore - you just hate yourself. Reading this might seem laughable, it's your appearance right? There's far more people out there with life threatening issues and things that are 100% worse than looking ugly and I get that and I do feel stupid when I come out of the other side of a bad day. I am appreciative that I am a healthy human being and understand there are far more worse things in life, but until you know how it is to be insecure and not love who you are, you won't ever really understand.

Being insecure means you can never relax about your appearance. I am constantly looking in a mirror, brushing my hair and fixing my make-up. People think this is just vanity "oh my god you are so vain" but truth is I'm just scared of looking bad and having someone tell me I look ugly. I'm always thinking about surgery. Googling nose jobs, getting lip fillers and seeing what else I can change to make myself look and feel better. When it comes to make-up there's a lot of girls that don't or won't leave the house without it so I know it isn't just me when I say "I don't go anywhere without my make-up on" - but I wish I could. I wish I could be one of those girls walking around ASDA looking flawless without a trace of slap. 

I don't really know what I am trying to say or get to with this post. I guess firstly, don't judge a book by it's cover because until you've read it you don't know the story. Secondly I just wanted to share with you my feelings of being insecure so that if you do feel like this I want you to know that you're not alone. Looking to the future I'd love to be able to get my insecurities under control, worry less about my appearance and love myself for who I truly am. 

1 comment

Bethan Griffiths said...

I can relate to this post so much. No matter by who or how many times you are told that you are attractive it still doesn't make you accept who is looking back in the mirror at you. Mine stemmed from bullying too! People just don't realise how damaging words can be and how long they will stay with you! x

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